I've been thinking a lot lately.
Not that I don't think on a regular sort of basis...I should clarify. I've been thinking a lot about LIFE lately. Not that I don't think about that on a fairly regular basis either..but blah..you internet, you of all people, you should know what I mean. What I mean is that it, life, been on my mind even more than normal lately.
How short it is, how crazy it is. The people in it, the way it's lived. The way it's squandered, the way it's enjoyed and the way everyone measures it, quantifies it.
Sometimes I feel as if I'm always on this quest, wishing I could organize life into chunks of time and make the most of it. If I do this first, and then that next, and then cross this off my list, then I will be able to squeeze EVERYTHING in. Even if it means that I don't get to enjoy ANY of it. I've done it all...wooohoo! Yeah, not really what I want. There are a lot of things that I want to do, but none of them enough to make me not have enjoying life as the numero uno priority on my bucket list.
And then I start looking at the things in my life around me, and I wonder what happiness is. And if the people I've surrounded myself with are making me happy, or allowing me to reach that potential. And then answer is..sometimes, no. Which is really sad. Because everyone should be happy, all of the time. I really, honestly wish that were possible. Having girls weekends like the one we had a few weeks ago in Vegas? Made me SO HAPPY. Ridiculously happy..and if I'm not that happy with people..then what's the point? If people make me sad, frustrated and upset...if they try to manipulate me and control me and treat me like garbage, why am I doing the things I'm doing? So lately I've had to make some executive decisions in my life, and I said goodbye to some people in my life that at this point were just not healthy for me and the person I wanted to be. And I've distanced myself from others, while I try to get my head on straight. Hard, difficult and almost impossible? Yeah. Important? Definitely. And it's not like I wish these people any ill will, infact, I hope that they're happy. I hope that they love, and get everything that they want out of life. I hope that they're honest with themselves and have no regrets, I hope that life is kind to them and that they grow into the people they really, truly want to be.
That being said, I just can't handle a lot of people right now.
I feel bitter, cynical and jaded when it comes to people.
I wonder, question and over think things, when it's probably none of my business.
A lot of this is probably a long year. A hard year. One of the hardest..filled with heartache, sorrow and pain. One that's been filled with a lot of sleepless nights. Long days. Broken hearts. One that makes you question people and their motives, that makes you question humanity and society and everything that they are and they have.
One that makes you wonder why people are in such a hurry to live their lives, when they could be enjoying it.
Sure, there are things that have to be done. You've gotta have a job, you've gotta pay the bills, you've gotta eat, have a place to sleep and take care of yourself. Unless of course you've got a trust fund and a butler to do all of that shit for you. Then you just..suck.
And sure, there are things you want out of life. Marriage? Travel? Money? Children? We all have things that we want..
That just goes without saying..
But if you're lucky, you have a hundred years to live.
And dude- that's not very long. Infact, I've already flown through a quarter of that. And the first 17 or so years seemed to creep along by as if they were a snail - and now they're flying by like a snail that's morphed into a speeding jet. On crack.
Okay. So the point is - you've got a hundred years..IF YOU'RE LUCKY. We all probably have a lot less than that. So, obviosuly, you want to get as much stuff in there as possible, live life to the fullest - but if you're so focussed on the destination, you're missing the ride - which may just turn out to be the best part.
I don't know where this post is going.
It's fueled entirely by sleep deprivation (thank you Baby Z) and banana muffins (thank you Mom).
And possibly a glass (or two) of wine I may have had.
And the fact that my great grandmother celebrates her 100th birthday in the morning.
And possibly the fact that I've been listening to John Lennon's 'Beautiful Boy' on repeat - because the Baby Z calms down and coo's on my shoulder whenever I put it on.
And that 'life is what happens to you...while you're busy making other plans' line always sticks in my head.
Time for bed.
Definitely time for bed.
Oh yeah? And that Vegas trip? It was awesome.
But guess what?
On the way there - we flew over the grand canyon.
Yeah - the GRAND. FREAKIN. CANYON.
Pretty glad I was enjoying the ride - and not just worried about the destination.
Because dude - scoring the window seat while flying over the grand canyon?