Winter Blah Ramblings

Winter is hard.

I never realized just how hard I take winter.

But it's just...hard.

For the first years of my life..I had always been in school. So a down and out mood was generally acceptable thanks to having to write bazillion word essays and listening to lectures (or rather, pretending to listen) that bored you out of your skull and made you contemplate the worst ways to die - so that you could  then compare them to having to sit through that lecture (I'm looking at YOU second year medieval history BULLSHIT.)

After my undergrad, I dove directly into teachers college and that meant that I was even busier. The essays weren't as long - the lectures were actually enjoyable and my grades went up huge percentages. But it was busy. So busy that I couldn't breathe. And when I did have three weeks off for Christmas holidays I jet setted off to Africa - leaving from school on my last Friday to drive directly to the airport, and arriving home the Monday school started.

I know, poor me.

Regardless - that year was intense. It took SO MUCH out of me that I felt like I was at the end of my rope come April.

And then I dove into a busy time at work and worked my ass off until August.

I worked all day, and then proceeded to pack my life into two suitcases and move halfway around the world to start a new job. Which I did. Directly following an eight hour flight. In a country with a language I didn't speak. FOR CRAZY PEOPLE.

I traveled, I danced, I worked too much. I took way too many photos and drank expresso. I was happy, I was sad. Life was life - it was what it was and in a lot of ways, it was the time of my life.

The winter was hard - I missed my family, my friends and I learned to hate my job - but I also learned to stand up for myself. Come April? I had a wonderful holiday. Country hoping, visiting with friends, meeting new people, exploring new places, loving everything so much I thought I would burst. English speakers AND sunshine? Could life GET any better?

When I returned back to Switzerland, a friend commented on my happy state, and wondered what was up with me. How bizarre I thought - that it's UNUSUAL to be happy. But I was, and I continued to be. I was renewed I thought, I'd made it through the halfway point and was in the homestretch. Plus, the weather was beautiful. Late nights drinking wine overlooking the Zurisee, picnics in the park on the green grass and plans of holidays to come.

Coming home from that year, I dove directly back into work. I took a day off and tried to recover from the jetlag of moving BACK from halfway around the world after spending two weeks bumming around eastern europe and lying on Greek beaches (I KNOW! My life is SO horrible eh?) and then I dove back into working non stop and doing everything that needed to be done.

Come Thanksgiving though? I was exhausted again. I spent most of my days lying in bed. Alternating between trying to do everything for everyone and be everyone for everyone and deal with  bitchy fighting family problems. I also slept. A lot. And avoided everyone and everything because I realized that there was no way that I could be everything and everyone to everything and everyone - so what was the point in being anything or anyone to anything to anyone?

And did I mention that I was exhausted from the whirlwind pace of the first 24 years of my life and needed to sleep?

So I slept. And I pretended that life outside of my little box didn't exist. I tried to take it easy. This was of course in between trying to take care of everyone. And feeling like a complete failure.

And then - somewhere...somehow? It all fell apart.

Because suddenly, it was spring. Life sucked. Death happened. Hate, real hate, more hate than I could ever imagine came out of my being.

But then, despite all of that - life seemed okay. The sun came out. We made maple syrup. I repressed a lot of things and shopped away my sorrows. Far away friends came to visit and we drank wine and talked until 4am. Life was going to be okay.

Summer came, the sun came out and the world seemed a little brighter. Things started to go right, instead of wrong. New purchases, big purchases - life decisions made, for better or worse.

Busy busy busy summer. Wedding. Baby! Sleepless nights.

Working so much I had no idea how I could possibly exist anymore.

But happy. Generally, happy. Dinner on the back porch, family dinners, swimming in the pool and visits with lovely people.

Now though? The busy season has ended. Things have slowed down - and for that I am grateful, I needed a break.

But I'm back to this point - where it's winter...and I have turned into a person I don't like. The person who wants to be a hermit and never see anyone, the person who makes people question where the happy person went. The person who avoids people because she can't handle them. The one who cries for no reason and feels disillusioned by life.

I've come to the conclusion that whether it be timing of life slowing down, or the weather changing - I don't really like winter me. Winter me...sucks a whole bunch of suckage- and although I'm a million times busier, more exhausted and stressed...summer me is generally a lot happier.

Maybe I just need to spend my winters in a warmer climate filled with sunshine and mojitos and thus a happier me.

I could totally work from the beach - Gimme a laptop and a drink in my hand and it would TOTALLY work..

...right?

The Fencepost

Sometimes people 'round these parts drive me insane.

The rednecks that are so close minded you can't even get them to even think about opening their eyes. Or the bad drivers. Or lazy, thoughtless people.

But the other night, as I was having a chat with someone on the phone..the guy I was talking to paused..and said:

"Well..between you, me and the fence post...'

And I remembered why sometimes, just sometimes, living 'round these parts is all sorts of ridiculous awesome. Because SERIOUSLY - WHO SAYS THAT?!

...As for what's between us and the fencepost? Well, that's why it's between us and you're not.

Bet you're curious now..mawhaha!

Ambiguity

I don't know why I disillusion myself into dreams of grandeur.

Sometimes, I get my hopes up and hope that things will be different.

I know I shouldn't - but I do.

Sometimes I know that I just need to suck it up, accept the way that things are and move on.

But for some reason - I just can't.

This game of life is a funny, funny thing..

Snowy Sunday

As I get older, I have a harder problem dealing with winter. Being cooped up inside, the lack of sunshine, the cold - it just doesn't agree with me now that my winter life doesn't revolve around snow forts and hot chocolate.

Sad, I know.

That being said..it's Sunday. There is no where we need to be, no where we have to go. Places that we could go, things we could do..of course. There is nothing essential or pressing though..

Which means that it's okay that we're snowed in.

It's fine that the snow is falling down in huge white flakes, that small dogs going for walks almost can't be seen through the one car track on the road. It's fine that the driveway is covered and  the snow is getting deeper by the second.

Because I have a hot chocolate, a duvet and a movie.

And life on this snowy Sunday afternoon is a-okay.

Big Huge Sighs

This year has been one of many turbulent ups and downs.

Births, deaths and everything in between.

There have been three in the morning phone calls saying 'come now, he won't make it through the night'

There have been phonecalls announcing weddings

There have been 2am trips to the vet with bleeding animals.

There have been mornings that are too early. Nights that are too late

There has even been the text message that said "HOLY. CRAP. I. JUST. WATCHED. A. BABY. BE. BORN. (ps - he's healthy, happy, beautiful & perfect)

There have been days when I sang in the shower, the car, the hallway and every other place you can sing.

There have been days when I cried in the shower, the car, the hallway and any other place you can cry.

Today though?

Today was one where I sighed big huge sighs of relief.

Today was the one, where when I phone call came, I wanted to freak out, but knew it would do no good...so I didn't.

It was the one where I was relieved (after the fact) to have missed the call that would have said "I'm trapped in the car and it's filling with smoke, I don't know how I'm going to get out, but tell my wife and baby boy that I love them" - Because that phone call? That would have been the end of reason and sanity.

Thankfully, shortly after that missed call, there were helpful strangers, a moment of clarity and the exit from a severely damaged vehicle.

And then there was the phone call that was actually received.

The one that said "Everyone is okay. The car is destroyed. But everyone is okay."

So tonight? While his wife hugged him as silent tears ran down her race and he cringed a little due to the bruises that are slowly making their way to the surrface..I cuddled their little boy...and sang him to sleep..

Happier than ever, that I could sing him one of his favourite songs..and not have to lie..

Close your eyes..
Have no fear..
The monsters gone..
He's on the run..
And your daddy's here..

Today is one of those days that makes you appreciate being alive. Makes you think about the important things, the little things and makes you thankful for everything else. Today, is one of the days that makes you sigh big huge sighs of relief.

Quiche & Coffee

A few weeks ago, I was up early. I fed the baby and put him back to bed...but alas, I couldn't put myself back to bed.

So, I did what any self respecting 20 something would do, and bummed around on the internet for a little while...finally exhausting possible forms of procrastination, I decided it would be nice of me to make a good breakfast.

I dug around the fridge and freezer, scoping out my options.

Not a whole lot of anything struck me with inspiration, until I saw a frozen pie crust..

Ah ha! I thought, I shall make a quiche! Because who doesn't love homemade quiche?!

So I grabbed some eggs, some milk, some onions, broccoli and cheese and started throwing together a quiche. 

While I was doing this, my cousin called to chat, she asked what I was doing and I told her that I was making a quiche - she told me that I was crazy, because it wasn't even 9am on a Saturday and I was in the kitchen, making a quiche, from scratch.

I laughed and said that I liked cooking, and wanted to have a nice breakfast and I couldn't sleep anyways!

Fast forward to the quiche being in the oven. Almost ready. I had a lovely breakfast ready almost ready to go, I'd cut up some fruit when suddenly, I realised what I was missing. 

Coffee.

Generally, adults have COFFEE with breakfast.

Which is great, except that I...don't.

I've never made coffee.

I had no idea what I was doing as I stared blankly at the coffee machine.

Not wanting to wake my cousin, I called the other one in Boston, and explained my situation to her. I simply needed her to tell me how to make coffee.

As she walked me through the steps, told me how much water to put in, where to turn the machine on and how many scoops of coffee grounds to put in (with a gentle reminder that I needed to put in a filter - thanks, tips) I could hear a little hint of amusement in her voice.

Upon questioning this, she laughed and said: Well, don't you think that it's kind of funny that you can make a quiche from scratch without evening thinking about it, but you need step by step verbal instructions on how to make COFFEE?

And that folks, is the story of my life. 

The Bad Canadian

More often than not, I'm a bad Canadian.

I think that cold and the winter sucks (Unless it's on the 24th and 25th of December. Then it's okay. Ish.)

Hockey doesn't interest me (Unless we're playing the US in a gold medal game and then I'm all HOCKEY RULES YO!)

I don't ever wear a toque. Ew. 

I mean, I don't even live in an Igloo - what kind of a Canadian am I?!

So - you've already discovered how bad of a Canadian I am...but this is the kicker..because today..today folks was one of the first times that I've shoveled snow.

Like, for real.

I don't know how I escaped this chore for 25 years (Okay - so I actually do - hello tractors with a snowblower attached) but I have. And now I'm living at a place where there aren't boys to clear your driveway for you with large tractors. And it's snowing. Bunches. And I have an early morning meeting.

So I shoveled snow - for basically the first time in my life. I mean, I've done it before. When I was building snow forts and needed extra snow, or that time that I was like..hmm..I wonder what all this fuss is about - picked up a shovel, shoveled for approximately 2.4 seconds and then was like...yeaaaah..this sucks. Not happening. 

And it wasn't that bad.

Okay. It was.

I'm pretty okay with being a bad Canadian if it means that I never have to shovel this crap again.

...FYI - I can't be all bad though. I love beer. And Timmy's. And grew up on a maple syrup farm. That's gotta count for SOMETHING.